Chick of Rock!

So following my last post. Math and I had a big chat and we sorted it out. Something inside me woke up and made me realise how much I want to settle with him. Math said how lucky we were to be and love each other and we would be daft to throw it away and he's right. I threw myself into it and even said ill move in, I was practically living there anyway, he said I didnt have to rush. I even became settled with the kids, clearing their rooms and planning on making a special Princess/ Fairy room for Maisie so she felt settled when she came to stay.
This was going well, or so I thought. I was there all the time, when the kids were there - I felt comfortable building my nest at last. Then 2 mths down the line, Math said he wasnt sure and needed time to think. This was 4 weeks ago. Last weekend he text to say after out separation he think its best we move on. He still thinks highly of me, cares for me but apparently our relationship dwindled after 6 mths - we were together for nearly 2 years, why stay if it had dwindled. I also pointed out that mum passed away a month befor that 6 mths so I was bound to be slightly distracted. I pointed out to him the times ive badgered him about getting his divorce sorted - how can he expect me to feel I want to move to the next level if hes still married. 
Throughout the split he said he would never say never to us getting back together. After a text conversation Saturday, i asked what had happened to him in the last 2 weeks to make me turn from loving me to what seems like hatingme. Its come out hes started seeing someone new after 2 weeks of our break up. I phoned him and he came over (his choice) because I was upset. 

During the time we spoke that day, he still held & touched me with the same feeling hes always had. Ive given him leads to take the easy road by me saying he knows we wont get back together, he couldnt have cared that much if hes moved on so quickly and he must have been seeing her before we split - he is still adamant that he doesnt know what he wants or what will happen with us and we could still make it again one day - he even used examples of two couples he knows who had really long breaks, are bakc together and stronger than before - er. thanks for that! He swears hes never cheated on me and I do believe him. He even cried when I said how much Im actually missing the children (which I do more than I thought I would, we were getting on brilliant) and the things I had planned for them and he's just taken it all away from me.
He said I need to make a full break to get over this, stop all contact and if he didnt care he wouldnt have come to see me - thats fine him coming to see me but if theres nothing there, why did his body language contradict what he's saying. I know personally that as much as I may care for someone, If I dont have those feelings I naturally cant give off that body language - its not an option.
I said why cant we try again, he knows how much I want him, so surely it would be better to try now and get it over with if it doesnt work...but he said it wouldnt be fair on the 3rd person - hes only been seeing her for 2 weeks, what about me?!
I wrote him a letter last week and he said he hasnt read it because its too painful, he'll read it one day - how come its not too painful to jump into a new relationship then?
Nothing really makes sense. He said he shouldnt have come over because he's made it worse for me and that we both need to break. He said couldnt I just pretend I hated him to make it easier for me, I said no. I ended up texting yesterday a few things and one was that why did he come over because it has made things worse and he should have just pretended he didnt care to make me hate him. Eventually he did reply to say I should stop punishing myself, its not doing either of us any good. He never cheated, he answered all my questions and i need to let go and leave him alone.
I felt the anger after that and replied that he should have said that weeks ago, although I know in the back of my mind he's only done it for my own good to help me.
I know it will get better and although he keeps saying he can never say never about us, im telling myself it wont happen just to make it easier for me. I just cant get my head round how he can say he doesnt know what he wants yet seem to be stepping into something new 2 weeks after us - hes gone from sayin im his soulmate into something brand new in 4 weeks after nearly 2 years together. And also how he can still give off the feelings he said he doesnt have - he held my hand the way we used to, held me so tightly, I couldnt breath, pecked the back of my neck and stroked my leg and foot how he used to. Surely if youve no longer got those sorts of feelings for someone, as much as you might care you naturally dont even want to do that sort of thing. Also as you are all aware, Matthew LOVES his food and he said his appetite still isnt  back to how it was - thats not the ways of someone whos happy to have moved on is it? Another thing he said which I thought was weird, was that when I said he as scared of the commitment he said that wasnt true, he wanted to be settled and not out like he was last weekend off his tits in a nightclub until all hours - when me and him got together we literally became hermits, if this new person was so good why wasnt he doing the same with her. Even when he did go out with his mates when we were together he was home earlier than normal. He said only Saturday evening that he still misses me and thinks about me - how can you be ready to move on if your still thinking and missing somebody.....?
I did hear through a mutual friend that this other person has just suffered a loss, so maybe that has something to do with it, Math has a habit of feeling sorry for people.

People can say im better off without until their blue in the face buts its easier said than done. From nearly loosing him, I realised just how much I wanted to be with him and during that time, everything was back to normal, he certainly never gave off any feelings he wasnt happy. Im just real struggling - Im sort of accepting thats it ,I just cant get my head round the above - mainly the new person already, the thought of me even kissing another person turns my stomach. Im not sleeping properly and eating is a no go. They say allow a month for every year, so I should be spick and span by end September/October.
When I went to bed last night, as I was so angry my heart was still broken and in pain but was in its place to start being mended again. My mind was 70% fuck him - if he can appear to be getting on and enjoying himself, so can I. Ill be a better person with or without him and if its meant to be it will be, lose no sleep from it. 20% pure whats going on and 10% we will get back together and i need to remind him every so often that im still here, not in a direct way but in group texts when im reporting my acheivement.
This morning ive woke up (after 3 hrs sleep!) and im back down to 40% and an equal split on everything else. 

Its so very tiring. Im emotionally drained and not coping at all. And im not going to hang around, just incase he decides es made a mistake, i am going to try and get on - I just dont understand it a week before we split he told me he wanted me and was moaning because we werent going on holiday quick enough. Im going to see the doctor tomorrow and see if they can offer me some sort of help.

Completed this today, my third half marathon and very pleased that I got a PB of 2:10 - thats 23 minutes quicker than the Great North and 20 mins than the Grunty Fen Half (which is as flat as a pancake!).

Hopefully, I'll be sticking round this time and cross fingers I won't be far off in this years Great North and my Cyprus 4 day challenge. 

To say i'm very pleased with myself is an understatement - it's results like that that make me realise that all the hard work is worth it, have to remember that when I'm struggling. Maybe I'll get to under 2 hours one day.......

Well done me!

Well, after however many weeks ago that it all went pete tong Math decided he finally wanted to talk, despite me thinking that it was ok again.
According to Math one of the things that attracted him to me was my softness but now im developing a nasty streak. I dont want to be around the kids and storm out when they're there (I did it that one time for which I apologised and said we'd try again). He remembers when we first got together I'd sit and draw with the youngest and how nice that was for him and now I cant stand to be in the same room as them. I told them to shut up when they were shouting (I am 100% certain I told them to stop shouting rather than shut up and also I said it because they were shouting, Math says he's 95% sure I used the words shut up! Coming from someone that admitted approximately 3 mins before how shit his memory is!) I dont have kids so I cant possibly understand (I know that we didnt shout!!) I think the kids are monsters (I dont think they're monsters they just get loud sometimes.) His ex and her bloke have just taken the kids abroad - can I ever see myself taking the kids on holiday? (I said in Paris that we could take them away for a few days in the summer) I come round and stay for a few nights then just fuck off (I do the cooking, the shopping, tidy up after us - i dont live there, hence I dont have time to do the housework and washing and ironing as I've my own to do - what else am I supposed to do) He hates having his sister coming every two weeks to do the cleaning and having the lady across the road do his washing and ironing (As above, I dont have the time, they're getting paid for it so they're not moaning!!) 
He's got issues that we always have dinner at mine rather than go to his mum & dads or sisters (I've never been invited for dinner by his mum & dad or sister!!)
He can understand me getting angry about him not sorting his divorce out but I have to understand that he's got to run two houses, his business and juggle time for those, me and the kids (fair point but how can I see the relationship going anywhere when he's still married to a woman 3 years after they've seperated)

All the above made me quite upset and angry, although apparently I shouldnt let it get to me so much! I've said its made me feel like he's saying I dont do anything and just wander in and out like a hotel - I've misunderstood that though.
I've said I do like the kids, which I do - they're not monsters, they just get unruly at times. I find it hard with them not being mine and being his wifes children. I would genuinley like to go away with them for a few days in the summer, camping or something but it looks as though whatever I tell them to do is going to be wrong. 
They stayed a Sunday a couple of weeks ago. Math had to leave for work the next morning early so I got them up and dropped them home - they didnt even say goodbye when they got out the car. Thats apparently my fault because I stormed out that time, ive messed the bond up. 

Although I feel like the whole thing was more of an attack on me, I've taken it on board. I do moan and nag a bit and if im honest. yeah I am getting fed up the reason being of the divorce issue. With my sensible head on I'm going to see how it goes for a few months and if things dont improve, then there isn't, sadly no other option thant to just walk away from it all. If its meant to be then it will.

I seem to have hit a bit of a wall with my exercise and healthy eating and am feeling a little bit heavy, despite not putting on any weight, however I haven’t lost any either!! I want to loose approximately half a stone to a stone in weight (obviously the healthy way, as a runner living off lettuce leaves isn’t an option!!)

I used to be doing 3 times a week running and 2 lots of gym, with swimming in the morning once, maybe twice a week. Since winter has set in, the mornings are dark and cold  and I seemed to have hit a frustating plateau in running since the GNR,

I’m currently doing – running 2-3 times a week (I haven’t done a full 3 times a week run now for a while and really need to get back to it.

Gym, once a week if I’m lucky! I’m finding it really easy to find other things to go off and do, which isn’t really good. I’m paying a membership, albeit a small fee and not using it. I’m finding my time there a bit boring and need to spice up my workout a bit.

Eating is ok but I’m eating quite a lot of bad foods and my appetite seems to be mahoosive at the moment – I could eat for England I reckon.

So, basically what I’m after is;

• Motivational tips to make sure I get out and do that piggin 3^rd run a week
• Any ideas on a gym workout – currently once a week is probably all I can do, due to college on a Tuesday night and I usually leave the Friday as a rest day due to the idea of a long run on a Saturday (ha, if I do it that is!) Workout time approx an hour – hour and a half
• Food – love it! Healthy snack tips please and ways to convince the evil part of my brain that I really don’t need another piece of chocolate, biscuit, cheesecake etc etc!! I actually thought about doing a daily food diary on my journal, see if that helps me – I don’t want other people knowing how piggish I’ve been but then thought people might get bored of seeing it……thoughts?

I suppose all of the above are basically what you use as incentives to keep on going – any information is welcomed with open arms!!

Thank You!

xx

Not too bad at the moment. Math and I had a chat on Tuesday night. We've got things off our chests and both feeling better about our relationship, so thats good.

I saw a physio on Monday for my knee. Theres no serious damage yet, although just as I was about to get dressed after the session, he noticed my hips are out of alignment, which could be contributing to the pain in the knee. I've also got a weak gracillus (sp) muscle on the side of my bad knee which I need to do some exercises for. Going back Thursday for more treatment.

Friday night I was out with some girlfriends in Bedford. Havent seen them for ages, so it was a lovely evening. Retired quite early and had a lovely lie in Saturday.

Popped to town Saturday afternoon and started the Christmas shopping. Got on quite well, although kept seeing lovely things I wanted to buy for me, must wait until everyones presents are bought.

Saturday evening, Math and I went up the local with the intentions of then going into town. We ended up staying in the local with one of his mates from the village and his girlfriend who I thought was quite nice, until she said something quite out of order back at the house. It also transpires that she was giving the come on to Math whilst we were out. Cow!!

Quite hungover yesterday. Today im feeling a bit achey and also got that mouth when a colds on the way - doesnt keep any flavour of anything and im also craving carbs like they're going out of fashion! Mmm, maybe im finally sucumbing to the dreaded lurge!

No college this week, as my tutors going to see Wet, Wet, Wet so that will mean a nice relaxing night. May even try to start my assignment.

Toodlepip!

Went back to the Harriers for the first time since GNR, I was a little bit anxious beforehand as I've done no exercise really, apart from lugging heavy flippin boxes around for work. 
I decided to go with the harder session and we done a faster paced than usual, even though it was a steady of 6 miles. Admittedly I was lingering at the back but I dont mind, my group is a nice one. Felt great after and I made the right choice. Just got to build it back up slowly and I think I'll do the Harriers half marathon in December, so get training for that.

I think I've decided aswell to return my marathon place back to the charity. With my knee problems and my lack of training, I don't think im going to be ready, plus Bash put me on a downer by saying I wouldnt be ready. And of course the extra pressure of raising that much money. I'll wait until Christmas before I make the move, just incase I things start going to plan again.

Well, I think the only thing I remember from my last update was that I was rather stressed, thats eased slightly and had the potential to be cured of all together today but as im on catering, tea, coffee, wipe your ar5e duty my levels are back up!!!! 

So the good thing since I last blogged is that Math and I went to Paris last weekend. It was absolutley wonderful. I love Paris, although it was a tad expensive!!
As we were Eurostaring it first thing Friday, we stayed ina hostel near Waterloo Thursday night and went for a nice Thai and then to bed for the early start.
Got to Waterloo Friday, had a nice bagel for brekkie, boarded and then I woke up just as we were popping outof the tunnel on the otherside. 
We got to our hotel, which considering it was budget (compared to the others anyway) was nice and comfortable. Friday we just chilled out, had a wander near our hotel, dinner and a few drinks. I also stopped for a Nutella Crepe and felt very Carrie Bradshaw when saying Merci Beacoup to the crepe man - dont ask why, I just did!! 
We decided as we had alot to cram in on Saturday, we'd save drinking heads til the next night.

Saturday, we went to Notre Dame, then walked along the river more or less straight to the Eiffel Tower. I saw Austin Healy on the England supporteres bus.
Math went up the Tower, I decided against it as A) It was a bloody long way up and B) The lifts looked quite rammed, so the thought of dealing with a cramped space and heights made me feel giddy thinking about it, so I sat and waited at the bottom where I was happy, I certainley not disappointed about not going up, even when Math raved about how good it was.
After that, we had a look round. It seems it was the Paris Half Marathon that weekend, wish I'd have known I couldve done that whilst Math was Towering above me, would have took almost the same time!
We then done a boat trip up the Sienne, which as it was later afternoon, evening the sun was setting on our return so it was beautiful.
We then walked up to the Arc De Triumphe, I was getting a tad tired and ratty by then and Math and I had a slight to do and we ended up walking in opposite directions. I got the Metro back to the hotel and Math followed. We said our sorrys and decided to go out after I'd had a cat nap - we woke up about 11pmish!!! Needless to say, we both stayed in and climbed into bed to sleep!
Sunday we packed and checked out, went for a nice brekkie then made our way back to the station. 

It was really, really lovely and we're both hoping to go back as I'd like to go up to the Montmartre and Moulin Rouge. The weather was perfect for the time of year, sunny everyday. And even when we arrived back into the UK and were getting tubes and trains home, there was no waiting around, straight home in no tome. It'll be even fabber when It goes from St Pancras. Hope off and then on again.

Not alot else going on. Floristry is good, we done a single ended funeral spray Tuesday. I'll have to put pics up when I think of it, as I actually think Im quite good at it. I just hope my coursework doesnt let me down. Half term next week, so I've got 2 weeks to get it all sorted and looking fab. I've decided im going to do the 2nd level.

Went for my first run since the GNR on Wednesday. Only done 5 miles as we were running along country track with no lights. Was quite difficult but thats not suprising. Will just have to build up again until Im back were I was.
Math and I have signed, or rather I've signed Math up, to take part in the first BUPA London 10,000 next May - should be interesting, Maths a bit nervous so I've got to help him train for that.

Phew, thats it I think.

Enjoy your weekends
 xxx

Yesterday saw me taking part in my first Great North Run - the worlds biggest half marathon and I have to say it was BRILLIANT!!! A really great atmosphere all the way round and thankfully I met a lady (Lesley) at the beginning and we ran thre whole thing together. My knee was fine until we started going downhil lat 5 miles and I thought "shit, this is going to be tough". However, we kept going and the miles passed, about 10 miles I really had the urge to stop but Lesley wouldnt let me as "we only have 3 more miles to go, we'll slow down but we're NOT walking" Good ole girl! Mile 11-12 really started to take their toll, then we hit the downhill mile to the finish. We crossed the line in 2.33, which considering i've done hardly any training the last few weeks due to the stupid knee, im quite pleased with. I've checked the results and out of 50,000 people, I came 28,195!! 

I've already registered to do it again next year, so here's hoping I get a place. Math also wants to do it aswell. 

Feggin brilliant.